End of Days

One of the greatest things about being in education is the joyous stretch of days between the last final exam and the first day of the spring term: a stretch of days known (at least in this God-fearing part of the country) as Christmas Break.

Now I’m sure there are some naysayers and haters out there who would deign to presume that I spend that entire 20-day (counting weekends) period in a thigh-length robe, ratty slippers, and a wife-beater t-shirt arrayed in a wonderful palette of stains.  That’s actually not far from the truth.

For those interested in the daily goings-on of your average college professor on holiday break, I offer you this unabashed and perhaps mildly exaggerated timeline of the previous three weeks:

Thursday, Dec. 15^th – I submit the final F…I mean grade…of the term which means my work is done!  I type out my auto-reply message letting everyone know that I will be in the witness protection program until January 9th and hit “Save.”  The joy I feel at this moment is indescribable; it’s like having my very own e-secretary sending a snarky response to all inquirers letting them know that I’ve reached a Kardashian-esque raison d’etre and shan’t be responding to them until well after the new Year of Our Lord hath arrived. 

Friday, Dec. 16^th – Immediately respond to the Dean’s email in my inbox inquiring as to why I put my auto-reply on a day before the term ends. 

Sunday, Dec. 18^th – As the 8 PM hour arrives, I jauntily strut shirtless around the kitchen doing the Safety Dance as my wife suffers from the Sunday Night Blues.  “Hmmmph…oh the life of a High School educator, having to toil right up to the Christmas bells!”

Monday, Dec. 19^th – Arise at 9:30 AM, having gone back to sleep after my wife turned on what seemed to be every light in the bedroom, bathroom, and closet while getting ready for work. 

Outside temperature: 12 degrees F.  
Temperature under my blankies: 86 degrees F. 

Marital temperature: 32 degrees F.

Tuesday, Dec. 20^th ­– See Monday, Dec. 19^th.

Wednesday, Dec. 21^st – Make tacos for lunch and watch a M*A*S*H* marathon on TV.  Giggle sardonically at the thought of anyone having to work a real job on this glorious day.

I think you’re beginning to get the picture, yes?  Life as a community college professor has its drawbacks but the weeks of unbridled gluttony and lack of general hygiene at this time of year make it all worth it!

Some of you may have picked up on the fact that my wife is in public education as well.  And, as such, it means that she, too, enjoys a joyous, albeit abbreviated holiday break, a portion of which coincides with my little stretch of bliss.  So let’s fast-forward the timeline to the point where BOTH of us begin spending each and every waking moment together during the holiday season and observe any changes.

Friday, Dec. 23rd, 6 AM – Tara arises from slumber, quietly sneaks out of the bedroom, making sure not to disturb her beloved spouse, enjoys a delicious cup of some sort of fancy-ass coffee, watches the birds gathered around her feeder, and finds a peaceful fulfillment in the simplicity of life.

Friday, Dec. 23rd, 9:30 AM – I arise from slumber and emerge from the bedroom, my cracked, dry feet shuffling across the wood floor like sandpaper on a 2x4.  First stop: the bathroom (which, in a feat of poor planning is located directly next to Tara’s Chamber of Solemnity.)  The sounds of the grateful birds chirping their thanks for the seed are drowned out by the various bodily functions emanating from said bathroom.

Marital barometer: Beginning to fall.

Friday, Dec. 23rd, 9:55 AM – I emerge from the bathroom, my legs unable to function due to the contact pressure from being in a seated position for 25 minutes while checking my Instagram feed on my phone.  Dry-footed shuffling is even louder due to dysfunction in lower extremities.

Friday, Dec. 23rd, 9:59 AM – Tara has moved from the Chamber of Solemnity to the living room (which is in close proximity to the kitchen.) I begin to make toast.  After application of ¼” layer of peanut butter, I apply the jelly, much of which ends up on the counter.  Loud clanking ensues followed by more shuffling across the floor towards the couch.  I sit down and eat my toast.  Loud chewing ensues.

Marital barometer: Falling steadily.

Dec. 24-25^th – A wonderful Christmas is had by all. 

Marital barometer: Steady

Monday, Dec. 30th, 6 am – Tara gets up, avoiding any pretense of caution when flipping the covers off in an aggressive manner.  Apparently removes every pan from the drawer (in a loud, clanking manner) when deciding which one to use to make one egg; uses extra salt for louder popping noises.  Grinds own coffee beans with what sounds like a table saw.

Monday, Dec. 30th, 9:30 am – I arise.  More shuffling, bathroom noises, and jelly.

Marital barometer: Bottoming out.

New Year’s Day – Tara returns to work tomorrow; is highly agitated and generally unapproachable. I remind her that I, too, have to go back to work in another three days.

Marital temperature: 32 degrees F and falling.

In the interest of not overstaying my welcome, I’m going to shut it down.  I think you get the picture, though and hopefully you enjoyed a glimpse into the glamorous lives of two barometrically-married educators during the joyous holiday season.

Only two months till Spring Break!

Pax,

Travis